Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
