Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
