i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
