i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
