my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
