At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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