i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
