woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
