I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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