Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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