they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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