Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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