I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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