i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
