I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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