life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
