theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
bring money and cleavage
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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