last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
