I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
