i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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