I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize