I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh god it's open bar.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
