I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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