Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize