I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
