That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
