The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
