You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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