last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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