I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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