I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
