I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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