Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
