I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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