YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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