The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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