I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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