And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
