she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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