I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
