That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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