Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
