No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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