omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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