His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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