Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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