i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
