I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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