one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
