You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
