I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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