I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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