He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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