what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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