hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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