i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize