I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
