I am spending my child support on dildos
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
