can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
