I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
