nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize