Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
