We're like a lot better than the average bears
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
