He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
