I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
